This article discusses practitioner research that focused on student resistance to teaching about the apartheid past and issues of "race" in a first year English studies course at a predominantly Afrikaans and "white" university in South Africa. The study aimed to explore the way in which students and the teacher engaged with a form of critical pedagogy moment-by-moment in the classroom. In this article, I turn the analytical spotlight onto myself, analysing the way in which my own multiple and sometimes contradictory identity positions as an educator play themselves out. In particular, I explore the tensions between my preferred "democratic" teaching style, and my moral or ethical views. I argue that this tension creates a dilemma for teaching within critical pedagogy, which is not easily resolved. I also reflect on the experience of researching my own teaching practice, and attempt to understand how my research insights were developed, linking this to the distinction between reflective practice and action research. (Contains 4 notes.)