Like many other colleges and universities, Hofstra University now requires each department to create a "mission statement." Then, on the basis of this statement, a set of more specific curricular goals and objectives have to be created and, finally, a set of quantitative, behavioral criteria by which to assess the department's efforts. This new emphasis on formal objectives and quantifiable assessment criteria arises from the need to retain certification from some appropriate certifying body; failure to do so will result in losses of funding and decreased ability to attract students. In this article, the author proposes an intellectual defense against the mission statement-outcomes assessment ideology and presents a draft of what he calls a "mission counterstatement."